I had not been in the mood to write about how I have been feeling in the weeks after my hospital discharge. I was bummed about my physical state, but in the last 2 weeks, I have gotten back into doing strength and climbing exercises. Still haven’t spent much time roped in, but that is due to the lack of partners. After my first sessions for strength, climbing, I was pessimistic about regaining strength and muscle mass rapidly. Fingers, contact strength, still there. But I had lost all my deltoid, bicep, lat muscles, which meant I could not lock off, do pull-ups etc. I was also dejected about losing muscle mass in both my legs, including my left one which I have worked so hard on to strengthen.

Anyway, I am feeling much more positive about things. I started hangboarding, bouldering, lifting and see the progress I have made in just 2 weeks. I think it is still possible for me to compete at the IFSC World Championships in Paris this Fall. I probably will not climb at my absolute best; I just want to climb at a level that  acknowledges all the time and hard work I would have put in to doing this.

But life is not all about climbing, right? Yet, one reason why I was feeling so down was because I was not exerting myself. I need whatever chemicals are released when I am active. Unfortunately, the only “sport” I play now is, well, climbing (and skiing and the time spent maximizing strength for those). I feel like I have fallen back to where I was before my accident. I felt unsure, anxious about the future, feeling like I was not really leading a meaningful and purposeful life. I am angry at myself for letting things fall back to that, and now I must find a way to correct this.

Climbing is a very personal thing, but the main thing I remember from these trips/climbs are my partners. It’s the people. And I have found it difficult to find that sense of community here. Is it partly my fault for not, like, advertising myself as a gimp who can climb pretty well? Or is it a function of where I live, where a lot of people just do not get it. I am not criticizing them at all! It’s just that our interests and personalities are so divergent.

We can muddle ahead, placing one foot after another. And that often takes courage too. Or, we can move ahead more purposefully, with intent and live life as much as possible. Obviously the latter is more desirable, but practical, personal constraints can impede this.

I mean, what I want to do is just move back West. Not necessarily the Bay Area. Maybe some place in Colorado (although I do like the ocean). A place where I can obtain the fulfillment that kind of geography gives me. So why the hell am I not doing this?? It is partly due to anxieties about how I would support myself, getting my significant other’s buy-in, being farther away from my sister and her family

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So how to satisfy your obligations (e.g. family), remove some, of these constraints? That is the tricky part.