My last post started off somewhat upbeat and optimistic. As I neared the end of it, it became considerably less so. I know I have a tendency to let local minima influence my mood. I know that I cannot turn back the clock, undo what happened to me – my accident – and therefore, all I can do, is be cognizant of the upward trajectory my life has, overall, taken since then, and the potential to get stronger, not weaker, with each passing year. But, as I was thinking about Moby Grape, about how I could find myself so exhausted from the approach that I would not be able to do “my” part on the climb itself i.e. do my share of the leading, not fizzle out part way through the climb…I started to cry, reminded of the sense of loss, the delta. My partner says I need to let go of the grief and forgive myself. Forgive what, exactly? I asked. He responded, that I needed to forgive myself for once having been here and now at a different absolute level (by some criteria).
I am not a boundlessly optimistic person by nature. Never have been. Which is maybe why this tendency for me to be mired in the grief, is so hard for me to shake sometimes. It is practice, I know. But, it is going to be a very long time, and probably quite a few more years of practice, before it feels second nature.