No new snow and hard pack and the continued shin issue made me decide to sit today out as well. I felt bad that I was letting another ski day slip away, but I also thought that I did not want this shin to inhibit future skiing on this trip, especially at my next stop, Jackson Hole. A dear friend read my last blog post, after I directed her towards it to explain why I was feeling so low lately. She pointed out what we both know already and that is, I am constantly manifesting, and bringing my unhealthy thinking patterns along with me wherever I go. “Underneath all of these experiences is a less than ideal thinking pattern for you which seems to be keeping you from living the life you want. Address that thing that is sitting there deep dark inside you that goes with you no matter where you go.” What I struggle with is how to go about doing this. When I think about how I might never break free from this pathology, I despair the most. When I told my friend about this fear, and clarified what I meant by “pathology” (who I am), she pointed out that who are you are is not pathology.
I know there are positive components to me that have allowed me to push myself to where I am today, allowed me to befriend some wonderful people, and have incredible experiences. Like this trip I am on. Adventure, even? But as you have probably gathered, there is this highly punishing part of me that reacts poorly to setbacks and can always find a way to blame myself, blame my reactions etc. And, of course, judgment is at best, unhelpful; at worst, a cruel siphon of energy and joy. A reader kindly reminded me to not let the frustrating experiences overshadow the awesome ones, and how correct he is.
I am not going to have the overnight epiphany Eckhart Tolle said he had (I am highly highly skeptical this is what happened, but whatever, he has helped a lot of people I guess and done well for himself), but I will try to move forward with renewed purpose and optimism. That, fuck it, shit happens. I am doing something not many people have the balls to do on their own, let alone without the weight of my accident. I will get to see beautiful places, maybe meet some cool people along the way (I already have) and, yeah, ski. Because skiing is awesome. Maybe I am doing all right after all.